We may think every relationship is different, but sometimes the same patterns appear again and again.
A friend introduces you to someone new. You start talking, something clicks and before long you’re interested.
Then somebody who knows you well says something slightly irritating:
“They’re exactly your type.”
Surely not.
They look different from your last partner. Their job is different. Their personality seems different. You met them in completely different circumstances.
And yet, a few months later, you begin to notice some surprisingly familiar patterns.
Why do some of us seem to be attracted to the same kinds of people repeatedly?
Do we really have a type?
Most of us can describe characteristics we find attractive.
Perhaps you’re drawn to confident people. Maybe you like someone quiet and thoughtful. You might notice a particular physical appearance, sense of humour or way of communicating.
But our actual “type” may be more complicated than the characteristics we consciously list.
We can be attracted to patterns of behaviour too.
Someone may feel exciting because they’re unpredictable. Another person may feel reassuring because they’re dependable. We might be drawn to people who need looking after, people who take charge, or people who give us lots of attention.
Those patterns can be harder to recognise than a preference for dark hair or a particular body type.
Familiarity can feel surprisingly powerful
Human beings tend to find familiarity reassuring.
That doesn’t mean we deliberately search for replicas of previous partners. But qualities and relationship dynamics we’ve experienced before can sometimes feel comfortable simply because we recognise them.
This may stretch further back than our romantic relationships.
The relationships we observed growing up can contribute to our expectations about closeness, affection, disagreement and communication.
None of this means our childhood determines whom we’ll date as adults. Human relationships aren’t that simple.
But what feels familiar can influence what feels comfortable.
Are we choosing people who resemble our exes?
Sometimes, perhaps.
But resemblance doesn’t necessarily mean appearance.
Two partners might look completely different while sharing characteristics that attracted you to both.
Perhaps both are very independent. Both make you laugh. Both are ambitious. Both are emotionally reserved.
Or perhaps you’re repeatedly attracted to people who create a particular feeling in you.
That may be the more interesting pattern.
Instead of asking, “What do these people have in common?”, it can be useful to ask:
“How do I feel when I’m around them?”
Why can excitement be confused with compatibility?
Early attraction can be intense.
Uncertainty can sometimes make it even more intense.
Will they message? Do they like me? When will I see them again?
The anticipation itself can become part of the attraction.
But excitement and long-term compatibility aren’t necessarily the same thing.
Someone can make your heart race and still be completely wrong for the life you want.
Equally, someone who doesn’t produce instant fireworks might become enormously attractive as trust and intimacy develop.
This may be one reason our “type” isn’t always particularly good at predicting who will make us happy.
Can we change who we’re attracted to?
Probably not by simply deciding to.
Telling yourself that you’re no longer attracted to confident people, musicians, intellectuals or people with green eyes is unlikely to achieve very much.
But becoming aware of patterns can change what you do with that attraction.
You can be attracted to somebody without automatically pursuing a relationship with them.
And you can give somebody a little more time even if they don’t immediately fit your usual type.
That distinction matters.
Attraction may begin without much conscious thought. Choosing what happens afterwards involves considerably more of it.
Is having a type actually a problem?
Not necessarily.
If you repeatedly find yourself attracted to kind, funny, emotionally available people and those relationships generally work well, there may be absolutely nothing to fix.
Patterns aren’t automatically bad.
They become more interesting when the outcome is repeatedly something you don’t want.
If every relationship seems to end for remarkably similar reasons, the useful question may not be, “Why do I keep meeting people like this?”
It might be:
“Why do I keep choosing them?”
Perhaps our type isn’t a person at all
We often describe our type as though we’re describing a character.
Tall. Confident. Funny. Successful. Creative. Quiet.
But perhaps what we’re really seeking is a feeling.
Someone who makes us feel safe.
Someone who makes life feel exciting.
Someone who makes us feel wanted.
Someone who challenges us.
Someone around whom we can relax.
That might explain why two people who appear completely different can somehow both be “our type”.
We aren’t necessarily attracted to the same person again and again.
Sometimes we’re attracted to the same feeling.
And recognising that may tell us considerably more about ourselves than writing a list of everything we want in somebody else.